2003-03-03 - 8:28 p.m.
My life is getting sadder and sadder every living and breathing moment.
Joseph is so stressed and is having very bad anger problems. Its hurting our relationship. I don't know if i can go on if he doesnt get help within the next few months. We wont survive. How? How can I be part of somthing that will almost guarentee my emotions to be totally detroyeD?
This is not good for me. Its not good for joseph not only mentally but also heart diease. its chances increase will anger, not mention his smoking. Here i am sitting in front of this computer screen crying imagining a life i will never have, unless joseph gets help.Poor guy he must be going insane! sumtimes it seems all too fakey and i dont want to belive he is telling the truth about being angry and i think he's saying that so he wont see me.i know if i didnt want to see somone i would say shit like that too. He is crushing my hopes for a better relationship.Its absolute shit.
This weekend i didnt even see him ,either. Why? Fight of corse. its non-stop round the clock. every hour on the hour. we might as well be filmed. with the kind of crap they show on fox, they'd so buy our fuckd up little show. It would be our lives fighting and yelling. and crying and having sweet make up sex. haha. oh just the thought of a make up anything sounds sweet. he said he'd skip all his classes with me. I might just hold him to his word?it'd be nice. i'll tell ya that much. I wish he'd show up right now. Crying and we could cry together. and record it and send it to fox. (heh) no but really sum sugar from him would be nice. er just at the very least a wonderful talk. just like last night. it was almost perfect like old times. talking late on the fone. but no he brought up a break up. what a jerk? I wanted to almost thank him so much for staying on the fone w/ me. *chuckles and lets out a few tears*
its sad that i dont have the old him. Instead its this weird Dr. Jackle and Mr. Hyde thing. he flips and goes all insane. its gotta be crazy.i should tell him i dont feel very safe. maybe he'll get help sooner then.Crying helps and makes matter worse?
Why did someone invent such a thing?
I wish I had more friends seem like all of mine ditched me. er i ditched them and in return they left me behind.Chris is a great friend. Its sad joseph & him cant be friends. Ichris is almost like an umbrella sumtimes. Im crying and he'll take my mind off things. even if we're chillin' doing nothing. some friends can never be replaced with all the money in the world.ive had some of those. Correction I have those. Thank God of the world thank she has placed those people in my life path.I love to do things. and life isnt so bad. but w/o joseph it can really suck ass. er w/ joseph acting in whatever way he is. or whatever the prob is. that what makes life absolutly depressing. Me being ugly. well i got used to that. LOL....i see a car from far away. I wish it was joseph's. or that it would magically morph into his car. but no such luck.i better go do somthin' else.
before i fall and have a friggin acid attack. lol
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